Emotional abuse is defined as any non-physical behaviours or attitudes that are designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate you. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing that systematically wears away self-confidence, self-worth, trust in your perceptions and your authentic self-concept. Recognising how you allow abuse from other people will also help you to see how you continue to "abuse" yourself on an inner level by perpetuating the negative messages that you have heard from others.
Understanding the Patterns of Emotional Abuse
Domination - To dominate is to control another person's actions. The person who tries to dominate another person has a tremendous need to have their own way. Dominating behaviors might include having someone monitor your time and activities, interfering with your opportunities, excessive jealousy or possessiveness, threatening harm to you or your loved ones, abusing loved ones in front of you, forcing or coercing you into illegal or uncomfortable behavior.
Verbal Assaults - Verbal assaults include berating, belittling, criticising, humiliating, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, shaming, using sarcasm in a cutting way, or expressing disgust toward a person. This kind of abuse is extremely damaging to a person's person's self-esteem and self-image. Verbal abuse assaults the mind and the soul, causing wounds that are difficult to heal. Other forms of verbal abuse are withholding, countering, discounting, verbal abuse disguised as jokes, judging, trivialising, ordering, and abusive anger.
Constant Criticism/Continual Blaming - When someone is unrelentingly critical, always finds fault, can never be pleased, and blames you for everything that goes wrong, it is the cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage. Over time, the abuse eats away at your self-worth, undermining good feelings that you have about yourself and your accomplishments. Constant criticism and blaming can be insidious and done under the guise of humour.
Abusive Expectations - Abusive expectations involves placing unreasonable demands and asks that you put everything aside to satisfy another's needs. It asks for undivided attention, constant sexual availability, or the requirement for you to spend all of your time with another. With abusive expectations there is always more that you could have done. You likely will be subjected to constant criticism, berated because you do not meet another's needs.
Emotional Blackmail - Emotional blackmail is one of the most constant forms of manipulation. It happens when one person consciously or unconsciously coerces the other to do what he or she wants by playing on fear, guilt, or compassion. Using withholding love, or affection or fear tactics to get you under control is emotional blackmail. With emotional black mail a person will try to make you feel like you are selfish or a bad person if you do something that they do not want you to do.
Unpredictable Responses - This type of abuse includes drastic mood swings, sudden emotional outbursts for no apparent reason, and inconsistent responses such as: reacting very differently at different times to the same behaviour, saying one thing one day and the opposite the next, or frequently changing one's mind (liking something one day hating it the next). Unpredictable responses causes you to feel on constantly on edge, never knowing what is expected of you. This kind of behaviour is common with alcohol and drug abusers who can exhibit one personality while sober and a totally different one when intoxicated or high. Living with someone like this is extremely demanding and anxiety provoking You feel constantly frightened, unsettled, and off- balance, and must remain hypervigilant.
Constant Chaos/Creating Crisis - This behaviour is characterised by continual upheavals and discord. If someone in your life is in constant conflict with others they may be addicted to the drama of chaos. Creating chaos provides excitement for people who are uneasy with silence, those who distract themselves from their own problems by focusing on outer problems, those who feel empty inside and need to fill themselves up with outer activity, and those who were raised in an environment in which harmony and peace where unknown qualities.
Character Assassination - This involves constantly blowing up someone's mistakes out of proportion, humiliating, criticising, or making fun of someone in front of others, or discounting another's achievements. It can also include lying about someone in order to negatively affect others' opinion of them and gossiping about a person's failures and mistakes. Character assassination can also ruin someone's personal or professional reputation, causing them to lose friends, or even their family.
Gaslighting - This term comes from the classic movie "Gaslight", in which a husband uses a variety of insidious techniques to make his wife question her perceptions, her memory, and her very sanity. A person who does this may continually deny that certain events occurred or may insinuate that you are exaggerating or lying. In this way the abusive person may be trying to gain control over you or avoid taking responsibility for his or her actions. Gaslighting is sometimes used to turn others against you, or as a way to justify inappropriate, cruel, or abusive behaviour.
Sexual Harassment - Sexual harassment is defined as unwelcome sexual advances or any physical or verbal conduct of a sexual nature that is uninvited and unwelcome. It is also considered sexual harassment when a partner tries to force you into sexual acts that you have no interest in or that upset or repulse you.
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